I’ve been working in an office for a little over a month now. I’ve chronicled a little bit of my forced wardrobe acclimation woes and my re-remembered loathing for tights and pantyhose, but really, I kind of like wearing nice, put together clothes for a change. However, something strange keeps happening to me.
I keep catching sight of myself in reflective windows or mirrors or glass and my first instinctive, involuntary thought is: “Who’s that pudgy girl?”
I know, it’s not very flattering, and probably not very good for my self esteem, so normally I wouldn’t even bring it up.
Except that it keeps happening.
Kind of all the time.
For over a month now.
Since I started working in an office.
And wearing office clothes.
It occurs to me that I haven’t worn heels, black slacks and blouses for almost 10 years. Not since I worked at a financial firm when I first moved to Boston. After that I worked at a dot com, then a video game company and then was a SAHM for 6 years. I’ve been wearing jeans, t-shirts and slip-on shoes for a long time now.
Since I was in my 20s.
Since before I had kids.
Since I was slender, and sassy, and fun and funky and well rested and cute in my clicky heels and black slacks and blouses.
I think what happens is that I hear my cute little heels clicking and am wearing the familiar clothes if not in familiar sizes and I expect to see that 24 year old girl in the reflective surfaces I pass.
But I am not her. I’m not thin or sassy or well rested or cute in my clicky heels and black slacks and blouses. I’m kind of pudgy. And tired. And beat down.
And I think I miss that girl. Not just the svelt girl, but the fun, sassy, well rested one.
And I think I need to find a little of her again.