Pecked by Ducks

26 Feb

Who’s That Girl?

I’ve been working in an office for a little over a month now. I’ve chronicled a little bit of my forced wardrobe acclimation woes and my re-remembered loathing for tights and pantyhose, but really, I kind of like wearing nice, put together clothes for a change. However, something strange keeps happening to me.

I keep catching sight of myself in reflective windows or mirrors or glass and my first instinctive, involuntary thought is: “Who’s that pudgy girl?”

I know, it’s not very flattering, and probably not very good for my self esteem, so normally I wouldn’t even bring it up.

Except that it keeps happening.

Kind of all the time.

For over a month now.

Since I started working in an office.

And wearing office clothes.

It occurs to me that I haven’t worn heels, black slacks and blouses for almost 10 years. Not since I worked at a financial firm when I first moved to Boston. After that I worked at a dot com, then a video game company and then was a SAHM for 6 years. I’ve been wearing jeans, t-shirts and slip-on shoes for a long time now.

Since I was in my 20s.

Since before I had kids.

Since I was slender, and sassy, and fun and funky and well rested and cute in my clicky heels and black slacks and blouses.

I think what happens is that I hear my cute little heels clicking and am wearing the familiar clothes if not in familiar sizes and I expect to see that 24 year old girl in the reflective surfaces I pass.

But I am not her. I’m not thin or sassy or well rested or cute in my clicky heels and black slacks and blouses. I’m kind of pudgy. And tired. And beat down.

And I think I miss that girl. Not just the svelt girl, but the fun, sassy, well rested one.

And I think I need to find a little of her again.

2 Responses to “Who’s That Girl?”

  1. 1
    Mom Says:

    I think this what life changes are all about. You feel one way inside and you look in the mirror and see someone else!! I remember once taking a weekend workshop, something having to do with movement. The facilitator was very skillful and I started to feel so connected in my body. At one point we were doing leaps across the room and I felt so graceful and so beautiful until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror!! I was not graceful and I was not beautiful!! Which is more real? Which matters more? How I felt inside or the critic who judged how I looked from the outside? I’m beginning to believe that how I feel about myself from the inside is way more important than how I judge how I look on the outside. Being in shape and eating well is important for health. I’ve come to realize that so matter if I judge myself to be thin or fat I’m never actually happy or satisfied. A legacy of poor body imagine passed on to me from my mother and then on to my own daughters? It saddens me to think that. I also know that our culture promotes the look of svelt gorgeous women that 2% of the population looks like!! Please watch this video, a study done of women in advertising, it very good.

  2. 2
    admin Says:

    that link isn’t working, but I am assuming you meant the Killing us Softly 3 video? Here’s a new link.

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